Dear Friends,
Happy Friggen New Year. This is hardly an exhaustive list, but let me apologize for the following New Year’s Eve behavior:
1. Leaving a rambling, incoherent message on Friend’s cell phone
2. Disagreeing with basic tenants of feminist theory
3. Expounding on my health problems to various, uninterested listeners
4. Frequent and unnecessary use of gross profanity
5. Arguing with an environmental scientist regarding the relative light sensitivity of conifer vs. deciduous trees.
6. Calling into question the ability of neurosurgeons to correctly identify specific areas on the human brain
OK, now that’s out of the way.

If you see me on the street this week, you might notice something different. Maybe it’s something in the way that I’m walking, or the way that I will talk with you but will pretend to be too important to spend time chatting. That is because I am far cooler now than before. Over Christmas break, I received handsome new clothing, electronics, reading material, and a thermos that keeps my coffee steamy-hot for roughly the lifespan of an African elephant (60 years), all of which have unarguably placed me on a higher plane of existence than before. You all look like little ants from up here.

Seriously, though, despite the fact that couldn’t think of anything I wanted before Christmas, I was thrilled with everything I received. Deserving special credit is Friend, who in her bi-annual evaluation received an A+ in gift giving.

I’ve been asked a lot about any New Year’s Resolutions I might be making. Well, for one thing I’m going to spare God from having to roll his eyes yet again at any promise of mine that has to do with better-conforming to proper sexual behavior a la Catholic doctrine. In fact, I’m going to refrain from any promise whatsoever, as doing so would tacitly acknowledge that I am not already doing a fine job at being Lee, which is simply not the case. Have you talked to me lately? The way I stare into space, maybe responding to your simple queries, possibly breaking into tears at the sight of a smashed pinecone? I’m borderline nuts; just the way I like it. Any resolution that threatens the integrity of this behavior would be a serious disservice to Lee-fans everywhere, namely and uniquely me.

Again seriously, maybe a resolution of finding therapy and/or getting strong prescriptions of lithium salt is in order. Did you know that lithium metal reacts violently with water? True. Also, its pharmacologic effects are unexplained.

Well, that’s all for now. You can find me at Francesca’s on 9th or maybe Shade Tree on Erwin. But be warned, I am feeling very argumentative and can talk extremely fast.