Somnolent Mind-wanderings: Goat Edition, v1.

Some goats have rectangular pupils. That is not OK. When they look at you it’s like you’re being pulled through actual windows, except when you get there you don’t find a soul, you find a tiny, stupid goat brain. Why do they look like that? A recent study found that elongated pupil shapes might be adaptations for different lens properties. Animals that usually focus on nearby objects often have lenses divided into areas with distinct focal lengths. These animals also have a higher likelihood of slit-shaped pupils (Malmström & Kröger, 2006). "Oh, I’m a fancy goat with a multifocal lens." Hey goat, can you pass the salt? Wait, you have hooves and eat tin cans with Depends® stuffed in them.

When I was 17, I went into my garage for a soda. Since it was a nice day, the garage door was left open, which apparently was an invitation for my neighbor’s goat to wander in and gnaw on the bumper of our car. It stopped as I came out and gazed at me with its goddaaful goat-pupils. I said something really witty, like, “Why don’t you go find a priest to blow you?” Despite the clarity of Revelations as to where goats go when they die, the animal felt compelled to defend the Church from my tasteless remark. It lowered its head, then rammed my testicles. One of them is now bigger.

Malmström T, Kröger RH. Pupil shapes and lens optics in the eyes of terrestrial vertebrates. J Exp Biol. v209 (Pt 1):18-25. 2006