Tales of a β male

Friday, April 30, 2010

FACT SMACK!

In this first part of an indefinitely numbered series, I use airtight logic to defend, or offend, a particular assertion of my choosing. Today’s assertion: It’s OK to design pigs that develop cystic fibrosis. See: http://stm.sciencemag.org/content/2/29/29ra31.abstract

FACT! Cystic fibrosis (CF) is arguably one of the worst diseases imaginable. When you have CF, your lungs slowly accumulate fluid and you drown from the inside. Gross. If you’re lucky, the offending organs are posthumously removed and studied in a lab where an undeservedly narcissistic researcher who doesn’t know when to shut up will scrape off cells and examine gene expression. And that’s if you’re lucky, which, as it seems, you are not.

FACT! As humans, we value beings based on their similarities to humans. I’m not defending this, only saying it’s true. Our culture has rules for the treatment of all primates, whether they be the quasi-human chimp or the absurd aye-aye. We don’t like killing dogs or cats because they are cute and smart (dogs), similar to young humans. Humans can’t fly, so we don’t have as many rules for birds. Humans don’t have six legs, so we are extremely cruel to lame octopi.

FACT! Pigs are cute, intelligent, (moreso than dogs), and, like most humans, have personalities.

SUBFACT! Pigs are the source of foods so scrumptious, so mouthwatering, one has no choice but to assume that all of the pig’s personality can be magically transformed into fatty, coat-the-inside-of-your-stomach flavor. Amazing.

FACT! If you saw a piglet drowning in the shallow end of your uncle’s girlfriend’s swimming pool when you were 12 you would save it, run it home, and watch your parents send it off to a nice farm where it could be with its friends. You would certainly not throw the pig in.

CONCLUSION! It is not OK to design pigs that develop CF.

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