This past week my folks had to negotiate the solution to a minor conflict with a property developer. I tried to give them some advice on how to maximize their gain. Here are the formalized suggestions:

Hints for Negotiations
When you enter into conflict negotiations, representing either yourself or a larger entity, there are a number of guidelines you should follow in order to effect the maximum gain from your discussions. These are basic suggestions and should not be considered an exhaustive source.

1. Arrive to all negotiations at least 30min late. Shake hands vigorously with your counterpart, saying how you did not expect them to arrive so early. This will throw them off guard.

2. Suggest lines of action that are completely and uniquely in favor with your interests. When your counterpart protests, express displeasure at their inability to compromise.

3. Ridicule your counterpart’s efforts at proposing fair resolutions. Deride these ideas as “childishly simplistic” or “workable, but too easy”.

4. If your counterpart shows the slightest degree of agitation, ask immediately for a moderator to intercede. Remind your counterpart that “Jesus is watching”.

5. Repeatedly check your watch. Mumble something about a soccer game or Mrs. (Counterpart’s last name).

6. Remember there are clear winners and losers in all negotiations.

7. Keep in mind that although the humiliation and rage of your counterpart are necessary components for a successful negotiation, proof of such is better. Make sure their cheeks are still burning during the handshakes and photo-ops.